The Justification

Whenever I would express desire to leave social media, ironically, ON social media, everyone and their brother felt the need to chime in on why they couldn’t.

They’d ask me why and when I would give my reasons, it was often met with defensive and sometimes condescending murmurs of how “it doesn’t affect them that way” as if that somehow negates my feelings or diminishes the impact it had on my mental health.

That in itself is a shining example of one of the many reasons I got out. It just wasn’t good for me. I’d often feel left out, forgotten, or as extreme as this may sound, I felt hated. I was in this constant state of FOMO, always feeling on the outside and inferior.

I’d spend weeks in these negative thought spirals, feeding my mind poison on a consistent basis. I’d open up Facebook and scroll and scroll, telling myself no one cared about me, no one liked me, I’m not good at anything, my options don’t matter and no one wants to read them.

Every day, I’d log in to have a constant reminder of friends I’d rarely see in real life or even interact with on that damn thing. I’d see others doing what I’d love to be doing and felt a deep sadness. I’d compare myself to others and often felt like I didn’t size up. I’d be vulnerable and open up, and people often would shit all over me, leaving me feeling worse.

There, I would sit in a proverbial room full of people and yet never felt so alone. Despite those torturous feelings, I felt like I couldn’t escape. I was stuck because this is how the world communicates now, and if I didn’t want to be alone, I’d have to suck it up, stay, and learn to cope. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

It’s now been 52 days clean and sober of the social, and ironically, I feel much less lonely. In fact, I feel lighter. Better. Worthy. Confident. Dare I say, happy. Whoa! The best part is, I don’t even miss it at all! This time of year can be hard, but not this year. Sure, I’ve had some ups and downs dealing with recovering from this surgery. But I move on faster. I don’t dwell.

52 days isn’t that long, though. But I’m confident things will only get better. I did it! I’m free!